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The Myth of the Fuckbuddy: & Love's Fast-Forward Button, by John Faithful Hamer
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“We’re just fuckbuddies, John; it’s casual. You know, friends with benefits.”—that’s what my 19-year-old student said to me, with the endearing confidence of a kid who’s just gone to the corner store by himself for the first time. Two weeks later he was crying in my office. Heartbroken. Devastated. I’ve seen the same thing a thousand times. And there’s a simple reason for it: sex is love’s fast-forward button. If you’re normal, you’re going to fall in love with the person you’re sleeping with—or they’re going to fall in love with you—sooner or later, whether you like it or not. As Aristotle well knew, it takes awhile to get close to a new friend, even if the two of you hit it off like crazy the first time you meet. My guess is that it takes, on average, about a year for genuine intimacy and closeness to develop between new friends, unless the two of you share some sort of extreme experience (e.g., getting kidnapped together at gun-point by terrorists, getting trapped in an elevator for hours during an earthquake, fighting side-by-side in the trenches of a faraway war, talking on ecstasy for ten hours straight at a Baltimore rave, etc.). By contrast, if you’re sleeping with the same person, you can attain the same level of intimacy in less than two weeks! That’s why I tell students in my “Love and Friendship” class that sex is love’s fast-forward button. Whether you like it or not, the two of you are going to get very close, very fast: it’s inevitable and irresistible (if you’re normal)—only the sociopathic seem capable of resisting its siren song. The feelings we develop for someone we’re sleeping with are real and powerful and intense, as is the attachment, the craving, and the newfound neediness. One day you wake up and realize—perhaps to your horror—that your connection to this person has—seemingly overnight—come to constitute a kind of natural fact, like gravity, climate change, tropical hurricanes, and the Montreal winter. And, like all natural facts, it can’t be explained away by simplistic Sex-and-the-City sophistry. We forget this at our peril.
- Sales Rank: #2608652 in Books
- Published on: 2016-02-14
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 9.00" h x .51" w x 6.00" l, .68 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 224 pages
Most helpful customer reviews
1 of 1 people found the following review helpful.
A Gold Mine of Wisdom
By Stephen Beker
It was like unlike something I've ever read before. A collection of real insights that could be deemed philosophical, yet it didn't bore me to death and didn't gleam with academia. These insights felt personal and amicable with a hint of pretentiousness that gave it a feeling of realism. It felt like reading a personal journal at some times, with many down to earth observations but also with many abstract and beatnik references that I'll admit took me a while to understand. Yet, my favorite aspect of the book is how it is written very concisely, with a style that breeds to make every sentence count and feel short and sweet. Within each story in the book, you encounter a tidbit of wisdom that forces you to see life through another's eyes and it kept me awake for many nights, thinking and pondering. When the book is finished, you get to the About the Author page, yet from what you already have read, you feel you already know John as you finish feeling you've been listening to a friend for the past 200 pages.
1 of 1 people found the following review helpful.
making you question the past with a balm of love and understanding
By Nathan
John Faithful Hamers “The Myth of The Fuckbuddy” is an invitation to reflect on the world and its beauty, despite the lust filled mistakes and regret filled sorrys. His writing style opens a parenthesis to be real with yourself, making you question the past with a balm of love and understanding. Through the reading of his works, he helps you strive for the ideal of the philosopher: “The philosopher just acknowledges the error, and calmly corrects course. Criticism is, after all, for the Socratic, merely information. Nobody fears making a mistake less.”pg. 155. In the end, if you are someone who seeks the beauty of this world and the good that can come from misfortune, this book is for you.
1 of 1 people found the following review helpful.
How would you write a love letter to an intellectual
By Claire R.
How would you write a love letter to an intellectual? Written in a warm, engaging and humorous style, Hamer's new book is in many respects an open love letter to a woman of superior intelligence. But it's also a book with a clear moral purpose: to justify love. It's a book that draws you in easily and lets you pause, since it is broken up into short linked chapters that nevertheless stand alone as pieces. It's a book for the metro, or those moments of unpredictable waiting. We think we're on a boat tour, but we're actually just floating. We're not sure where we're going, and in the end we don't care. The thesis of the book is not a destination but an aura: love is worth the effort.
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